Incidents of sexual abuse

Traducerea în Română e disponibilă aici.

It is really hard to open up about the topic of sexual abuse, but I noticed that this is something women rarely talk about, not even with their closest and dearest friends. Seems like it’s a taboo subject and I think that this is due to the fear of being judged or misunderstood. This being said, I don’t even know what kind of reaction to expect from readers. However, I have decided to write about it despite what others might say, because I really want to bring more awareness to the fact that such incidents happen both to women and men and that they are not acceptable.  More than that, for those who have already been through something like that, I would want it to be easier to talk about it, without feeling of shame or guilt (when it’s not even our shame and guilt to carry) when we decide to open up our souls and discuss what happened. For me, that fact that I write about it, is liberating and it makes things easier to carry. Writing or talking about things is a really great way of getting them off my chest, in my case.

Personally, I experienced several incidents which, although weren’t rapes or beatings, still have been an abuse to my sexual intimacy. Although these occurrences happened in different periods of my life during the past 10 years, I got the courage to look at myself in the mirror and wholeheartedly admit that this happened to me only during the last few months. It must be the effect of me becoming more mature, more conscious of myself and more self-loving and -caring. The main trigger to this realization was an episode of the TV series Sex Education, where they exemplify an incident of sexual abuse and how traumatic it can be, although it might look insignificant from aside. Suddenly, I was also hit by an inner rebellion over some unpleasant incidents that occurred during my adolescence. Hoping that I would never ever have to deal with them and that time will make them go away as if nothing happened, I had these memories hid deep down in my conscious, since they were so painful. Except that, no matter how hard I tried to hide them, to keep them untold, or to lie about them, they came bursting back anyway, with strong frustration, bewilderment, guilt, sensibility and anger.

Like many others, I believed a long time that sexual abuse is only when someone forces someone else to have unwanted sexual intercourse with that person, basically rape. Because of this, I ended up labelling any other sexually related incident as insignificant compared to rape. In reality, no matter how minor the situation seems, it can trigger big traumas as a result. I feel deeply sorry and compassion towards myself or anyone else who has experienced similar occurrences: an inappropriate sexual commentary, an unwanted touch, e forced exposure to see things that you never asked for, etc.

I was 14 years old and on my way from school one afternoon, some young adult of approximately 25 years old, a stranger, started following me. He came after me in the stairway of the apartment block where we were living and following me up the stairs. Everything happened in less than one minute, he simply pushed me to the wall, touched my breasts and left immediately afterwards. All of this was happening at a time when my body forms were just staring to shape themselves, as I was in my puberty. I was already aware of my body shape being sensual and curvier than that of fellow teenage girls. This unpleasant incident made me think that it’s my body shape to be blamed for this, so I developed a very unhealthy belief that my body, through its sexuality and natural way of being, triggers unwanted attention from men, which might result in suffering. Also, I did develop an unexplained fear of walking alone in our apartment’s block and was deeply releaved when, a few months after this incident, a number code was installed to the main door of the apartments’ block.

Later on, there were a few other unpleased situations, some more worrying than the one related before, whose impacts have manifested themselves in different ways. The belief that my body is to be blamed has deepened itself. I had developed unhealthy ways of punishing my body. For example, through pumping the pimples on my face as a way of making myself ugly and unwanted by men, or by letting myself gain weight, again, with the intent to make myself invisible and self sabotage my sexuality. It was also hard to learn how to set healthy boundaries in the relationships with men and sometimes hard to bring down the walls I’ve built around me in order to trust a man and believe that he really likes me. It’s a mix of emotions and feeling: pain, guilt, shame, hate towards the way how I treated my body as a way to respond to these external unhealthy triggers. But there’s also courage. I feel really brave that I could address some of the incidents that happened, and that I can use my voice to talk about it and set boundaries where necessary.

On one hand, I am grateful that I admitted the presence of this “pink elephant” that was constantly in the back of my head, at a relatively young age. Admitting this, talking about it, sharing my stories with someone, listening to the stories of those who have been through similar incidents, makes me feel more at ease with myself, freer, more authentic, with more integrity and lust for life. On the other hand, I realize that some of these situations were traumatic for me and simply can’t be forgotten. What I can do instead, is to accept them as part of my life experience, forgive them and myself, leave them in the past where they belong and find a healthy way forward with my life, enjoying it despite everything that happened.

PS: I am quite open to talk about some of the incidents that occurred, but I would only do it tête-à-tête with people who are ready to open up themselves and need a listening, neutral ear and maybe even a shoulder to cry on.